Who would have thought I’d be sitting here, staring at a screen trying to figure out what to even say…
I probably just need to ramble on a bit so I can get some of these swirling thoughts to align themselves into something productive. Ha!
This has been a very busy year for my family.
A year of many changes, and many firsts.
The first house I bought, on my own!
I also bought my first truck on my own!
One of my children has joined the military and is currently in basic training.
My daughter was in a Miss Metropolis pageant last November, and she is going again this year, because her crown was broken and she NEEDS a new one (so she says).
I’ve taken a new liking to Football. That began last year when Levi was a senior and in the band. We went to all the home games, and it was FUN! I actually got out and mingled with people! I had forgotten how that felt.
Then, I started watching pro football.
And… I met someone.
And after a while, he gave me a ring.
And while I have gone on and on about all these other things, this man is the best change I have experienced in this past year!
Many years ago, my godmother Debbie had me write a list. This list would include all the things I wanted in a man. She put it in her Bible and prayed for my “husband” every day until the day she died.
One thing on that list, the very first thing actually, was that he would “love me like Jesus.”
Now, my 16-year-old-self had no clue what depth of a man I was generating with my list. I went on to write looks, height, gifts and talents, but the top remained the same. It was what meant the most to me.
Who would have thought that would be EXACTLY what I needed almost thirty years later!
Let’s think about it for a second, though.
How does Jesus love us?
He loves us in ways that we cannot fully comprehend.
He carries us when we fall. He forgives us EVERY time we fail Him.
He gives us choices, options, suggestions, ideas, inspiration, and more options and choices. And He lets us make our choices.
If those choices align with His guidance, awesome!
If we falter or fail, make mistakes, or even screw something up on purpose, He simply waits for us to put our head back on straight and picks right back up with us again. His forgiveness is eternal.
He walked on this earth and endured many hardships, for us. He took beatings for us. He DIED for us. He went to Hell and back for us!
No matter what we have done, where we have gone, how hard we have fallen, His Grace is unending, and His Mercy and Healing always present.
This man, this amazing man who has entered my world has carefully peeled back the layers and layers of shields and walls I spent decades building around my heart, my mind, and my person.
He walked with me deep into old wounds, where the exposure had been excruciating, but for months I did not see that healing was also taking place. I was too busy in my own head, struggling with my defenses and holding back.
In the process, trying to keep my walls intact, I also missed that I was also hurting him.
And every time, he would remind me that he is not going anywhere.
Who would have thought…
Almost two years ago I started a new journal. In that journal I decided to begin it with writing several things that I liked about myself.
However, over the course of this past year, specifically March to now, I couldn’t conjure a single thing that I liked about myself.
I unknowingly succumbed to the monster that is depression that tried to suck me under a decade ago. Its claws were deep in each revealed scar from my past, holding them open despite the loving touch of the man who’s only sin against me was wanting to love EVERY part of me. The good. The bad. The hidden.
And for the first time in my life, in any relationship, in any part of my existence, the hidden parts are seen, and I am not judged. I am loved. All of me.
My walls were telling me that I was being exposed, hurt, humiliated, and broken.
What was actually happening was a process of healing. You can’t heal what you don’t know is there. With each wound, each scar, each hurt revealed, as far back as my teen years, I have begun to change.
Steady loving hands have held me when I cried, steadied me when I faltered, and supported me when the realization hit me that weights are lifted.
And then, who but the man himself that God dropped in my space would have the absolute nerve to remind me that God is the healer of our pains.
He read scriptures. Talks about “God first”. Prays over me and for me.
Nobody said love is easy, painless, or always pretty.
And nobody would ever say that loving someone like Jesus loves us is even just a little hard.
And yet, such a love has found me, embraced me, and given me more than I knew I ever needed.
To the teenager who wrote her little list that was tucked into a Bible and prayed over for many years, I would say Thank You. Because God inspired a girl who would never understand His love in its entirety for at least 25 years to ask for it to come in the form of a man.
Who would have known, and none of us never do until it hits, that Mercy and Love are always there. It never went anywhere. And no matter how far you think you may have walked away from it, no matter how far you think you may have fallen from it, that love is PRESENT. Because God is always present, and with His presence is that love. The unexplainable, unimaginable love that I hope each of you get to experience and share.