After I had my third son, I thought I was done having children.
Boy, was I wrong!
That child is now nine years old, and here I am with infant TWINS…
As I go through the infant stages with the twins, I am also watching my older three boys grow up before my eyes. My oldest is 6ft tall, and he’s 14 years old!
I have found myself thinking about the baby days of my older three lately, and it brings tears to my eyes for multiple reasons.
All I did was blink!
They were babies yesterday!
When he was born, my firstborn son was huge! Weighing 10lb 9os and nearly 2ft long, the staff at the hospital laughingly told this first-time mother I gave birth to a toddler! I remember hearing someone say, “Put some sneakers on this one. He can walk to the nursery!”
Then I blinked.
He was two, and I was giving birth to his brother. Still the biggest baby in the nursery at that time, my second son was not as big as my firstborn. 8lb 10oz and 19in long, my second child looked so tiny compared to his older brother. He had so much hair it had to be cut the first time when he was merely 10 weeks old!
And I blinked again.
Three years later comes my third son, my first unexpected miracle. Even smaller, my third baby weighed 7lb 14oz and was just under 19in long. He was the perfect infant. Never fussy, always smiling and giggling, and a model child… until he found his feet. And since that day, he has been non-stop energy!
I am sure all I did was blink, again!
Here we are, nine years later, and I went from three to five children!
Just. Like. That.
Blink!
This time, I have a girl! The twins are boy/girl fraternal. She weighed 6lb 4oz and he weighed 6lb 2oz. They were a half inch away from each other in length, one 19in and the other just under 20in long. Born in the same clock minute! Around 10 SECONDS apart!
I’m trying not to blink again. Not yet. They are already five months old.
I have found that, in the process of having kids, when you have them a year or two, or maybe three, apart from each other you don’t realize they are growing as fast as they are. The stages of their growth are quickly being repeated by the one who came next, and so on.
It is completely different this time!
I look at the babies I hold in my arms (yes, I hold them both at the same time often), and then I look at my oldest and wonder where the time went! How did it go by so fast?! When did he get taller than me? How does he now sound like a grown man when he speaks?
All I did was blink!
I am so glad I am active in my journaling! I have been so scatterbrained in the past few years that things quickly escape my memory. I have pages and pages of memories written, and memories that have been kept secure for me to look back on, and someday show the kids as well. Funny moments, precious moments, and adventures we embarked on throughout their lives.
For my oldest boys, there aren’t many years left for me to enjoy with them. They will soon be moving out, going to college, joining the military, or starting their careers where their hearts may take them.
I’m trying not to blink.
For the twins, there are still many years to enjoy, but if my future moves as quickly as the past 14 years have…
I’m trying not to blink.
And I have come to realize that, whether I blink or not, time isn’t going to slow down or stop for me. So, I am striving to live in the moments, savoring every amazing day I have with my tribe.
I will take too many pictures, record the best and worst moments on video (even if the boys are discussing poop in detail, or slinging condoms filled with water around their heads calling them water balloons), and share my captured moments with loved ones.
Life is meant to be lived! In the moments! Plan for the future but remember to embrace the present.
Blink, or don’t blink, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you SEE what is in front of you. Don’t miss it.
That nagging, negative, suffocating yuck that is felt deep in the soul, day and night, and lasting anywhere from a day to a month in time!
What is this funk that has taken over so many lately?
Is it the Holiday Season? Was it the recent, full moon? The weather?
Whatever it is, it affects everything in our world. From housework to our jobs, family and friend relationships, communication and listening, even the ability to be mentally present at home. Everything falls under the weight of the yucky, depressiveness that makes the act of getting out of bed an unwelcome chore.
Now, I could ramble on about great solutions and “saving yourself from the funk” but in all honesty this is a monster that every person deals with differently. But I can tell you what has brought me out of mine.
Angry cleaning!
That’s right. I turn on my angry music on YouTube, get out the trusty cleaning supplies and products, and set to the task of scrubbing one room or another from top to bottom!
Now, I am an ADHD cleaner as well, so I can assure you that no single room in my entire house is completely cleaned from the floor to the ceiling. Not at all! But the music is fun. I often dance with the broom or use it as a microphone, as well as any other thing I hold in my hand during a good song. The work isn’t boring (with my three older boys the surprises I find in, under, around, and behind things are glorious!), and I have the twins to smile and squeal at me in the process. Winner!
My downtime is my killer though. Once I start to slow down, my brain goes right back to the yuck and funk, and I have to find other distractions if the cleaning stops working.
Lists.
I am a chronic list-maker! Do I complete all my lists? Nope! But I am most definitely, addicted to writing them! I make lists for everything. To-Do, shopping, menu, alternate menus, alternate To-Do’s, etc.! Last week, however, I decided to try something different. It worked! When I did this, it made me feel so much better at the end of the day! I sat down and read it that night, and my entire being felt accomplished in many ways!
I wrote an “I did it!” list.
I started creating a list of things I wanted to get done that day and stopped myself. I decided to start with a couple of things I had completed already that morning, and then pick up from there. Well, I completed another little thing, wrote that down, and saw a change in my motivation. I finished another thing, wrote it down, finished another, wrote THAT down, and started getting excited! I kept going and going until my front door opened and my children barreled in, making me realize I had worked the entire day away, and didn’t once feel the funk creep in! It was amazing!
Writing.
You would think that, as a writer, I would find solace and clarity in the thing I love. Lately, this has not been the case. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried writing THIS post, scrapped it, rewrote it, scrapped it again, and so on. I talk myself into a good idea and then talk myself right back out of it. This is definitely the post that is going up, though!
Which reminds me (Squirrel!)! My darling mother saw the funk cloud looming over my world, and she decided that I would be leaving my house to go to the store with her last week. At first, I thought it was a great idea. I knew I needed to get out, and honestly, I wanted to. But it didn’t take half an hour for me to talk myself right out of doing anything of the sort. I sent her a text telling her if the babies fell back to sleep, I would just give her my list of needs and stay home. Her reply? Ha! “Well, I won’t be ready to go until X:XXam.” Which basically meant “I know what you’re up to, and I’m not letting you out of this.” And, as life would have it, by the time she was leaving her house the twins were awake again and ready for the day! Good job, Mom.
She came over, helped me get the babies ready to go, and off we went to Wal-Mart.
We were in that store for EVER, but it was such a good time! We shopped, found some awesome stuff, looked around, and found more. And we bought it all!
My mom drives a Buick Encore. Does anyone know how tiny those are?! Yeah… Me, Mom, twins in car-seats with car-seat bases, and groceries, birthday presents, Christmas presents, supplies for parties, cleaning, etc., all crammed into this teeny-tiny car! When we arrived at my house and opened the doors of her vehicle in my driveway, random shopping bags just started dropping to the ground all around the car! We expertly disguised the presents from the children, while having said children assist in hauling the grocery and necessity bags into the house. There was plenty of laughter, smiles, and good times that day. It was exactly what I needed.
Is all of this going to help me tomorrow? I have no idea. I can say that I feel better, tonight, right now, as I write this little story to you. It has reminded me that even in the funk I have had some good days. It’s nice to remember that, especially when the funk feels like it has lasted for weeks when, in reality, it may have only been hanging around for a few days.
I also understand there are things that bring the depression on, things that we cannot control at this moment in time. It’s the Holiday Season. There are those who are going to pass through this season without loved ones for the first time. There are people who cannot afford gifts for their children. There are some who have no income and no support. There will be frustration, exhaustion, depression, overwhelming emotion, and the funk will descend (or already has) relentlessly. I get it. I feel you. I am some people.
This is why I needed to write this. Because I know. I KNOW how this feels.
I am not on the “other side” of my battle just yet. I am still in the muck and mire of the worst days of my life. You all get to watch me come out of this from the bottom up. I am not coming to you after success and victories. I am coming to you from the “rock bottom” scene. And nothing would make me happier than to have you all travel up the mountain with me. In your own victories, your own testimonies, and your own successes! Let’s hold each other up, praise the little wins, relish the small victories, and gain ground with every step of the way.
It doesn’t matter what you do to get out of your funk. What matters is you get out of it. I’m still pulling myself out, but this has helped me immensely. It helped me because I know I am going to reach someone who needed this today. I am speaking life to someone who needs it. And that, my friends, is where I gain my ground.
WE got this! WE will feel the sun’s warmth again. WE will dance in the rain. WE will climb this mountain before us, and WE will shout our winner’s chant at the peak together! I’m in your corner every step of the way!
This post went an entirely different way than I intended! But I am so glad it did!
From one “funky” mother to another, rise up! Slowly, if you have to. But rise all the same. You got this. I got this. WE can do it!
Raise your coffee mug with me for a toast to moms!
Here’s to moms everywhere!
To the married mom: who is raising her children and her spouse (LOL)
To the single mom: the warrior who does it ALL alone
To the mom of the special-needs child: who raises her child among the critics, nay-sayers, and providers of all unsolicited advice
To the mom of multiples (twins and beyond!): who doesn’t have enough arms to go around
To the mom of boys: who sees more mud and living creatures before her nose than most
To the mom of girls: who is submerged in glitter, bling, and whatever fashion is trending
To the mom of both: who gets it all in one
To the mom of infants: who never sleeps
To the mom of toddlers: who STILL never sleeps
To the mom of teenagers: who yet STILL never sleeps
To the mom of the sports kid: Who has no social life other than the next game
To the mom of the scholar: who learns a new academic lesson daily
To the stay-at-home-mom: who sees the same four walls day in and day out
To the working mom (outside the home): who is stretched super thin
To the mom with anxiety: who worries more than most
To the mom with a chronic illness: who struggles with her own health while ensuring the health of her children
To the mom of a child with a terminal illness: who prays for more days with her baby
To the terminally ill mom: who prays the same
To the mom of a mom: who watches as her child accomplishes what she did only “yesterday”
To moms everywhere! All around the world, no matter their situations and circumstance in life, sharing in one common goal; raising their babies to be the best they can be!
I see you, and I salute you!
Now, raise your coffee mugs high with me, for this toast to moms!
Do you have teens or tweens you stay up and worry about when
they aren’t home? Do you have small children who struggle with insomnia, or the
endless need for “a drink of water” every five minutes, for five hours after
bedtime? Are you up every couple of hours with an infant (or more than one?)
who needs fed and changed through the night and day? How about all the above?
Studies show that “motherhood” is the leading cause of lack
of sleep in women (disclaimer: “studies” are my personal experiences,
observations, conversations, and advice from mothers and grandmothers in my
life).
There are many things besides the children themselves that
can lead to sleep deprivation. Let me break it down for you:
Before your first child is even born you may experience: Heartburn Indigestion Gallbladder problems Headaches Nausea Insomnia Stiffness of joints and spine Swelling of hands, feet, and face Blood sugar problems Blood pressure problems Increased appetite Decreased appetite Weird food cravings day and night Constipation (or the opposite!) And the list goes on!
During the infant stage of your child’s life you may
experience the above, PLUS:
Memory loss
Confusion
Brain fog
Clumsiness
The inability to speak in adult tones and use big words (i.e. “I need to go
potty”)
Strange facial contortions to entertain said infants
Dark circles under the eyes
Shaky hands
Wobbly legs
Constant worry that leads to MANY baby monitors and speakers around the house,
and the continuous need to open your eyes and stare into said monitor screen to
search for breathing movement, twitching, baby alertness or sleep patterns,
listen for noises, and possibly spot them looking back at you in the camera.
Because we KNOW they know what they’re looking at!
Increased coffee intake
In the toddler years the above mentioned are only enhanced
by these additions:
Increased stress levels
Hair pulling (sometimes they pull your hair, and sometimes you pull your own!)
Tantrums and meltdowns (not them, you)
Hoarding (gotta hide the snacks somewhere!)
Conditional hearing loss-I like to call it a “tune out” button
Conditional increased hearing abilities (Mom hears all the “no-no’s”)
Forgetting your own name
Fatigue
Stronger arms and legs (have you ever fought with a toddler? Daily?)
Stronger lungs (chasing said toddler before they reach the street)
Supernatural vision and ability to find things nobody else can locate
Bruises and scrapes
New locks for EVERYTHING and all the keys that go with them
Eating random things at random times (those little baby puffs are good!)
Less patience with adults who sound like the kids
Eating and drinking from tiny dishes and cups
A sudden understanding of babble, and amazing interpretation skills
Ability to clean a house in under two hours, but decreased desire to do so
Additional, increased coffee intake
Now, as the children grow, some of the above mentioned may
fall off the list as new things are added. This is not a guarantee, though, and
every mom should be prepared to just…keep adding. Especially if they are adding
more children as the current children continue to grow!
The infant and toddler years have come and gone. Now, the
children are in school, making friends, and Mom thinks she might get some sleep
at long last! Wrong! Let’s take the above mentioned and add the following:
Detective skills-scoping out said child’s friends and their parents
Increased stress levels (yep, they keep going up)
Achieved the “whisper scream”
Ability to stretch a few dollars over several days
Increased adult tones and use of bigger words (I need to go number two)
Lie detecting skills
Sleeping with one eye open ability increased
Sleeping standing up
Sleeping in the car at pick-up for school
Ability to get from house to school to practice faster than a speeding bullet
Relief that there is now online grocery shopping and free pick-up
Bedtime enforcement strategist
Referee skills
Larger coffee maker installation
Eventually… built-in coffee corner in the kitchen
Ok. My own, personal experiences reach as far as the
upcoming list portion, and there they stop… for now. However, I will revisit
this in the future and add to it accordingly.
We enter the tween/teen years! Our list has taken a life of
its own by now, just as the minds of our children have now taken a life of
their own, leading them to believe they know as much (if not more) than their
parents, and adding to the sleepless nights we have already suffered over a
decade by now. Continuing with the above mentioned, we will now add:
Increased stress levels!
Increased detective skills
Lie detector on high alert
Increased phone bill (because they will have phones, and we WILL have locators
on them!)
Increased food budget
Decreased shelf life of said food (it’s gone in hours!)
Higher insurance payments
A second (or third) job for Mom
Return to school for some moms
Less hours in the day
Less hours in the night
More frequent use of paper plates and disposable cups
NON Sleepovers; because who sleeps at a sleepover?
Purchase of stock in Folgers, Keurig, and other coffee companies
Sleep deprivation is real, folks!
They say it is possible to “catch up” on lost sleep, eventually.
I’d love to know who “they” are who believe this to be possible!
I have recently become my mother in words as well! “One of
these days you will wish you took those naps, went to bed at that hour, and
didn’t fight sleep off all the time, when you have kids of your own!”
Yeah…..
So, here’s to those naps you get to sneak in, whether they
be on the couch, in the car, your child’s bed, hidden in the closet, or even in
the shower! You deserve whatever sleep you can get! All of us here at “Team No
Sleep” are in your corner, pillows and blankets in hand! We got your back!
*ends blog post to get up and tend to crying babies…….at
4am*
I am going to share with you the hardest part of pregnancy
to talk about: Postpartum Depression.
PPD is REAL, folks, and it is not a nice companion to have
around. I won’t sugarcoat anything, here, because the monster that is
depression is bad enough on its own. Bring the hormones of post-delivery, life
changes, and no sleep into the equation and you have a whole buffet of yuck to
carry for a period of time.
What was PPD for me? It was in my smile, my laugh, my
sadness and my cries. PPD hovered over my shoulders through the good moments
and the bad. The first several weeks after the twins were born, I felt the
weight of PPD pressing on me, and I constantly wondered when it would show its
ugly head.
But! There IS a silver lining to this dark cloud, and that
is time. With time, support, and sometimes medication to help the process be
more bearable, PPD will be a thing of the past that you can look back on with
relief, knowing you made it through with flying colors!
Now, I will set a storyline here for you.
My pregnancy was not easy. Not at all. If you have followed
me thus far, you have read the overview of my three trimesters carrying the
baby dragons this year. For the things I did not write about, however, there
are many. The final weeks of the pregnancy were painful, stressful, and
sometimes overwhelming in ways I cannot describe. Physical pain, emotional
struggles, and life circumstances had me buried from all sides. I spoke with my
doctor before the twins were born, and I informed him that I was very aware of
my chances of PPD after delivery. My Dr was excited that I would recognize my
chances before birth and set up a plan to help me if I needed it.
Pause:
If you are pregnant, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR about PPD before
your delivery! This will be a lifesaver for you and your child(ren)! I cannot
stress this enough! The sooner you are fully informed of the chances, symptoms,
causes, and treatments for PPD, the easier it will be for you if/when it starts
to happen. It doesn’t always happen, and it doesn’t happen to everyone. So,
don’t think that you are going to develop it just because you are having a baby.
Hormonal changes and “baby blues” are common, but PPD is much more serious, and
not as common at all as people would think.
Ok. Resuming:
Let me back up a year for you…
Last summer, yours truly was a woman who needed medication
to help me deal with the sucker punches life (and people in it) were throwing
hard in my direction. Being a single mom is hard enough, and with all the other
things on top of my title alone, I couldn’t deal as well as I wished I could.
So, instead of turning to alcohol as I had in previous years (another story all
in itself), I went to my Dr. He got me started on some SUPER mild medications,
and it was enough to get me out of my fog to function again. Annnnnd then I got
pregnant.
Fast forward to delivery…
I had been without the medications the Dr had prescribed for
me for several months now, and I was afraid that PPD would be a heavier burden
than it was with my firstborn son. When I had my oldest child, I was unaware of
the depth of PPD and where it can take a new mommy. (Again, I stress, don’t let
it even begin there for you! Talk to your Dr before you deliver!)
This time around I knew I needed to open up to someone and
get ahead of the game! And I did.
Postpartum Depression doesn’t always mean you are going to
sit and cry all day and night. No, PPD is so much more! It is confusion,
frustration, and irritability. It is the inability to sleep, and the inability
to stay awake. Sometimes at the same time. You can go from happy to sad at the
drop of a hat, and you can go from sad to happy just as quickly! The emotional
highs and lows are much more drastic than normal depression highs and lows. The
added hormones make everything seem more extreme.
What would normally make you a little emotional now has you
in tears, sobbing uncontrollably for long periods of time. What would normally
frustrate you sends you into a fit of anger that is completely unlike your
normal self. Sights, sounds, and smells can set off an emotional response
without warning.
For me, it was the dreading of the sunset every day. I would
sit and stare out the windows, begging the sun to stay high in the sky, and
would cry as I watched it slip below the horizon. In the dark I felt alone. I
knew I wasn’t, but boy did I feel like I was!
The sounds of a baby crying would irritate me and make me
feel helpless to help them. I felt like I was doing everything wrong, like I
wasn’t good enough, or the right person for this job. I wanted people around me,
but I wanted to be alone. Silence bothered me, but noise irritated me as well.
You can’t explain it and that just frustrates you even more.
Searching for words to describe your feelings and thoughts during PPD can be as
frustrating as the symptoms themselves. Yep, I’ve been there. I’m still there!
Don’t ever be ashamed if you did, or do, suffer from PPD!
Never! Don’t be afraid to talk to a doctor and take medication to help you
through the process, either! When you know you are not alone, and when you know
someone else out there truly understands what you cannot explain, things don’t
seem quite as heavy as before.
I see you. Single, married, surrounded with support, or
alone. I feel your struggle, and I understand. Oh, how I understand! When we go
through these times, although it is so hard to do, go with what you KNOW… not
what you feel. You may feel worthless, hopeless, and at the end of the rope.
You are not! Let me tell you what you ARE:
Strong: you may be struggling, and feel weak, but you are
making it through each day and will continue to do so! You are superwoman! You
are battling hormones and stresses that others cannot see or feel, and you are
rocking it!
Worth your weight in GOLD: Women who are faced with PPD find
in themselves an ability to carry themselves, their children, and other family
members through it all! Laundry, dishes, housework, homework, baths, showers,
just taking a breath and staring out the window! Every ounce of strength you
have makes you that much more valuable!
And finally, you are going to be okay. No, you may not feel
like it. I didn’t feel like it! I dreaded each day, each visitor, each change,
and even the things that stayed the same! But here I am now! There is a light
at the end of the PPD tunnel, I promise you!!
Some tunnels are longer than others, and some people will
come out sooner than others will. But I am a witness to victory over the silent
killer, the ever-present monster that is Postpartum Depression. Not everyone will
understand. Cling to those who do! Reach out to someone you know who has been
there and made it through. Listen to the testimonies of those who were where
you are now. You’ve got this, Mama. I believe in you, just like so many
believed in me.
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