Depression | My Joyfully Chaotic Life

Let’s Crawl

by Becca McConnell | Nov 3, 2023 | Anxiety, Coping with Stress, Depression, Self Care

HOW MANY BLOG POSTS HAVE I STARTED AND NOT FINISHED OVER THE PAST MANY MONTHS??

MORE THAN I CARE TO COUNT OR ADMIT…

THE STRUGGLE HAS BEEN REAL, Y’ALL.

I LOVE TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE AND SHARE ALL THE POSITIVE THINGS AND THOUGHTS I USE TO HELP ME GET THROUGH HARD TIMES, BUT OVER THE PAST YEAR, AT LEAST, I HAVE FOUND IT HARD TO BE THAT PERSON.

I WOULD TYPE UP SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS AMAZING AND THEN I’D READ IT.

AND I WOULD THINK TO MYSELF, “YEAH, YOU’RE LYING TO OTHERS AND YOU’RE LYING TO YOURSELF!”

AND THEN I WOULD ABANDON MY POSITIVE THOUGHT BLOG ATTEMPT.

AND AGAIN…

FOR WEEKS AND THEN MONTHS ON END.

IN ALL HONESTY, IT’S NOT BECAUSE I WAS “LYING” TO ANYONE… I WAS STRUGGLING. I STILL AM.

LIFE ISN’T EASY.

IT’S FULL OF RESPONSIBILITIES, RULES, COMMITMENTS (TO SELF OR OTHERS), WORK, SCHOOL, LIVING UP TO EXPECTATIONS ALL AROUND YOU, AND THEN SOME… AND REPEAT.

I REACHED THE POINT WHERE I WOULD WAKE UP ONLY COUNTING THE HOURS TO THE NEXT TIME I COULD GO BACK TO SLEEP.

IT DIDN’T MATTER IF I HAD TO WORK THAT DAY. I WAS ON AUTOPILOT.

GET UP. GET EVERYONE TO SCHOOL. SIGN IN TO WORK. CHECK THE CLOCK. WORK. CHECK THE CLOCK. WORK. LUNCH. WORK. CHECK THE CLOCK. PICK UP KIDS. WORK. CHECK…. 5PM!!

GO TO BED.

IS THAT MY DAILY NOW? SOMETIMES. BUT NOT ANYWHERE NEAR WHAT IT WAS EVEN A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, THANKFULLY.

BUT I KNOW THE FIGHT IS NOT OVER.

DEPRESSION IS REAL.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO HAVE A REASON TO BE PRESENT.

IT JUST IS.

ANXIETY IS THE SAME.

AND WHEN YOU HAVE THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME… THE NIAGARA OF YUCK THAT FALLS ON TOP OF YOU IS MORE THAN WORDS CAN DESCRIBE.

AND THEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.

MAYBE BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE THE DISORDERS YOU CARRY EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE. MAYBE THEY DO AND THEY ARE IN DENIAL. MAYBE THEY JUST DON’T CARE. THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH A LOT OF STORIES.

BUT…

WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO FIX A HOUSE THAT WAS BROKEN BEFORE YOU EVEN MOVED IN.

WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO HOLD YOUR CAR TOGETHER THAT IS ALSO FALLING APART FROM NEGLECT FOR YEARS BECAUSE OF THOSE WHO JUST “LET IT GO” AND RESET THE BUTTONS SO THE ENGINE LIGHT SHUTS OFF FOR ANOTHER 30 DAYS.

WHEN YOUR EMPLOYMENT IS JUST ENOUGH TO RID YOU OF MOST OF YOUR STATE ASSISTANCE BUT NOT ENOUGH TO PAY ALL OF THE BILLS AND RESCUE YOU FROM THE DEBTS FROM THE PAST.

WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS WHO ARE STRUGGLING WITH THINGS THEY CANNOT DESCRIBE OR HANDLE BECAUSE THEY ARE KIDS.

WHEN YOU ARE DOING IT AS A SINGLE PARENT.

WHEN SUPPORT IS CONDITIONAL OR SPARSE.

WHEN YOUR SELF-DOUBT OVERCOMES YOUR MOTIVATION OR POSITIVE THOUGHTS.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR FITBIT AND SEE 2,000 STEPS FOR THE WHOLE DAY AND THINK “AT LEAST I MOVED…”

WE ARE CRAWLING, FOLKS.

I’M IN THE TRENCHES. IT’S MUDDY. WET. RAINING… NO POURING! COLD. MISERABLE. DARK. AND DARE I SAY IT, QUITE LONELY.

SO, THIS IS WHERE I WILL TRY TO SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE AND BELIEVE IT.

THE TRENCHES CAN MAKE US OR BREAK US!

THIS IS WHERE WE ARE.

AS I SAID, IT’S GROSS. YUCKY, COLD, NASTY, HEAVY, AND REALLY HARD TO MOVE THROUGH.

BUT IF WE CAN KEEP CRAWLING, MAYBE WE WILL MAKE TO THE SHALLOW END, WHERE WE CAN KINDA GET UP ON THE KNEES AND EVENTUALLY BACK TO OUR FEET.

THEN, MY FRIENDS, WE CAN WALK.

IT’S A HOT MESS OUT THERE, AND IT’S A HOT MESS IN HERE!

BUT HERE, HERE IS WHERE WE CAN STRIP AWAY THE THINGS THAT WE DO HAVE CONTROL OVER. HERE, WE CAN BUILD ON WHAT WE HAVE.

WHO CARES IF OUR BUILDING MATERIALS ARE SCRAP RIGHT NOW?!

AS A CHILD I REMEMBER MY GRANDPARENT’S NEIGHBORS WHO WORKED WITH WOOD, CREATING BEAUTIFUL THINGS FOR WOODCRAFTING SHOWS, SELLING PIECES ALL OVER THE REGION.

I REMEMBER BEING A KID AND GOING TO THE NEIGHBOR’S BURN PILE TO PULL SCRAPS OF WOOD THEY DIDN’T DEEM PERFECT, AND PAINTING IT, BUILDING FURNITURE OUT OF IT, MAKING DÉCOR, AND MORE!

IT WAS PIECES THROWN AWAY FOR THEIR IMPERFECTIONS, AND YET WE CHILDREN SAW NOTHING BUT OPPORTUNITY AND POTENTIAL ALL OVER THOSE PIECES OF WOOD.

WE WOULD TAKE THOSE PIECES TO GRANPA’S BASEMENT WHERE IT WAS COLD, DAMP, AND QUITE MUSTY, AND WE WOULD CREATE OUR MASTERPIECES!

I’VE HAD SCRAPS (AND LESS) OVER THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS NOW.

MY WORKSPACE IS MUSTY, RUSTY, AND FALLING APART.

BUT MY GOD I HAVE PIECES OF IMPERFECTION THAT CAN BE MOLDED INTO SOMETHING AMAZING FROM THE TRENCHES I HAVE CRAWLED THROUGH OVER THE YEARS.

NOW, ALL I NEED ARE THE EYES AND IMAGINATION OF MY YOUTH.

THE INSPIRED THOUGHTS OF “THIS WILL BE SO AMAZING!” FLOODING THROUGH MY HEAD AS I GATHER UP WHAT ENERGY I HAVE TO MAKE MY MASTERPIECES.

AND MAYBE JUST A TAD OF THE ENERGY I HAD BACK THEN TO KEEP GOING AND GOING TILL I ACCOMPLISHED WHAT I WAS AIMING FOR.

BUT FOR TODAY MY FRIENDS, I WILL CRAWL.

I WILL CRAWL BECAUSE THAT IS ALL I CAN DO SO FAR.

I WILL CRAWL BECAUSE I KNOW I CANNOT STOP MOVING, NO MATTER WHAT.

I WILL CRAWL BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I CAN DO THIS, GET THROUGH THIS, AND RISE ABOVE THIS ON MY FEET WHEN I AM FINALLY ABLE TO STAND.

BUT, I WILL NEVER STAND IF I STOP CRAWLING NOW.

MAYBE NOT THE MOST POSITIVE THOUGHT FOR THE EVENING, OR THE WEEK FOR THAT MATTER, BUT I SURE FEEL BETTER NOW AFTER SHARING AND BARING MY HEART TO YOU ALL.

MUCH LOVE! ~B~

The Day My Grandma Saved Me

by Becca McConnell | Mar 9, 2021 | Anxiety, Coping with Stress, Depression, Devotional Moment, Family, House Work, Motherhood, Motivation, Parenting, Single Parenting

It’s been way too long since I have posted and shared my thoughts and words with you all!

Many blogs have been started, and none finished.

Life has been… just a little hectic.

We’ve been exposed to COVID in January (or February, I don’t even remember… it’s all running together now).

Sinus infections, allergies, the bathroom remodel, leaky water heater, car decides not to start, fevers, sleepless nights… I’m sure I’m leaving something out!

One thing got me this weekend though, and I didn’t even think of the impact until I told a friend about it this morning.

Sunday, I didn’t make it to church. The second week in a row.

Babies with fevers, and older kids trying to decide if their symptoms were of a contagious sort, or allergies… I was ragged.

I took a moment, after being smothered by one of the twins for constant cuddles and attention, to just step out my back door and breathe. I was standing in my back porch when my tiny grandmother walked in with her broom and dustpan. She saw me out there tossing boxes and whatnot in all my frustration (I was honestly throwing things to vent, not clean) and she figured I might need a little help cleaning out there. I had just laid the babies down for their nap and just wanted a moment of peace.

I was overwhelmed. Drained. Exhausted. Lonely…

In she walks with her broom taller than she, and says, “Well, where should I start?”

At first, I was frustrated. I won’t lie. I just wanted to sit down and mope about my circumstances. I just watched a live video of a church service I wanted to be present for in person. I had one child begging me not to make him go to school the next day and it wasn’t even 1pm Sunday afternoon. I was struggling. Deeply.

But I got up and showed her this TINY area that was “priority” to get cleaned and said we should start there.

“This is really where I wanted to clean up, and then I think I’ll go take a break while the babies sleep…”

Well… anyone who knows my grandma KNOWS she’s not going to settle for some little space.

Two hours later, ¾ of the back porch was cleaned, swept, and wiped down. I could feel the Fibro flare up wanting to start up almost immediately. I was completely drained. But… I felt good.

I didn’t feel great. But I felt GOOD… this was something I hadn’t felt in weeks! I looked around us, little Grandma with dustpan in hand and her other hand on her hip, observing a job mostly done.

A cleaned floor, washer and dryer both running with things that were being cleaned, and no more smell of clutter, trash, and yuck all around.

I didn’t take any pictures of this grand event, before or after, so there isn’t much to aid the visual for you wonderful readers today.

However!

Picture in your mind’s eye a mother drained. Torn. Sad. Angry. Isolated. Frustrated. Confused. Stressed, and just… done.

And then this tiny woman, 4 ft 9, marching in with purpose and with a single phrase inspiring motivation I didn’t even want in the moment… bringing just enough spunk with her into my house, she lifted me more than she will ever know. Regardless of how I express it to her.

It’s the little things that bring the biggest rewards.

I know this isn’t one of my longer posts, and it really doesn’t need to be tonight.

It’s a post of appreciation for an amazing woman in my life.

It’s a post to remind myself that I truly am most assuredly blessed beyond measure.

It’s a reminder that I can get through these long days, and longer nights. Through all the stress, exhaustion, frustration, and everything that weighs me down, I can get up. I can find my motivation again.

I see you, tired mama. Sad mama. Weary, worn, and burnt-out mama.

I see you… and I am praying for you!

We will rise. We will come from the tunnel that today has brought and bask in the light!

“Weeping may endure for the night… but joy comes in the morning!”

When In Doubt, Write: a little personal sharing moment

by Becca McConnell | Nov 28, 2020 | Coping with Stress, Depression, Family, Motherhood, Motivation, Prayer, Self Care

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with myself when I open a new Word document to write another blog post.

Do I have anything to say that will help someone today?

Do I have any useful insight to this thing called life?

Am I really making a difference for anyone out there?

I certainly hope so.

Even when I just type a little about my day, or my week, I hope that I am giving a little inspiration to someone who needs it right now.

I don’t want to sugarcoat anything or give a false impression to the world that my life is easy, smooth, or even just a little bumpy.

And lately, things have been rocky.

Very rocky.

I have felt disconnected from friends, family, support, and people I would normally reach out to for advice, encouragement, and prayers.

So, what do I do when I feel this way?

Honestly…

First, I will admit I may sulk a little… Okay, more than a little.

Yep. I mope, sit and stare, go radio silent, give short responses to people who may reach out to me, avoid gatherings, stay home, hide, and just… sulk.

This part may last anywhere from minutes to a day or two.

Then, I get a grip.

I get out my phone or radio, turn on some positive music, sometimes open my computer and start typing, clean something, do laundry, or find someone to connect with just to have a little conversation to distract myself from the negative.

But most of all, I open my Bible.

I read Psalms, Proverbs, grab a random New Testament book, or sometimes my Bible app and surf the “verse of the day” and just… read.

Last night was one of those nights.

I didn’t do any sulking, but I could feel the down trying to come around.

I opened my Bible app on my phone, because I was at work at the time, and I just wanted to share with you all some of the verses of the day that I came across while reading…

“Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.” –Psalms 107:1 NKJV

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.” –3 John 1:2 NKJV

“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms.” –James 5:13 NKJV

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” –Hebrews 11:1 NKJV

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” –Hebrews 13:8 NKJV

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” –Philippians 4:13 NKJV

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” –Psalms 27:1 NKJV

“The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered himself.” –Proverbs 11:25 NKJV

“What then shall we say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?” –Romans 8:31 NKJV

“You will show me the path of life; in Your presence if fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” –Psalms 16:11 NKJV

On top of the Bible verses that I look up, I also look for other, motivational quotes that uplift and build positive outlooks. I found quite a few good ones last night after I got home from work.

Here are a few of my favorites:

“It’s never too late – never too late to start over, never too late to be happy.” – Jane Fonda

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”– Albert Einstein

“If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavor.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

“Nurture your mind with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes.” – Benjamin Disraeli

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tzu

“The difference between a successful person and others is not lack of strength not a lack of knowledge but rather a lack of will.” – Vince Lombardi

I know I didn’t say much about my world, our day, or anything else in a great “story telling” manner.

But tonight, it was a night of sharing a little of what inspires me when I am feeling the drain.

I know this Holiday season is one that is a bit more stressful than most in our lives, and with the stress comes other things that drag us down.

I get it. 100%!

I do hope that this post brought a little positivity and encouragement to you, as the verses and quotes do for me when I read them.

And I strongly encourage you to find some that help YOU as well!

There is great comfort in opening a physical Bible or book, reading and finding things that speak to your heart and soul, and getting a little encouragement for yourself.

As a matter of fact, I would love to know what some of your favorite Bible verses and inspirational quotes are that lift you up! Feel free to share them with me! And maybe I will use them in future posts. 😊

When It All Goes Haywire: Finding Peace in the Chaos

by Becca McConnell | Sep 25, 2020 | Anxiety, Back To School, Coping with Stress, Devotional Moment, Family, Lifestyle, Motherhood, Motivation, Parenting, Self Care, Single Parenting

I have been on the Single-Parent journey for a while, now.

During the beginning of this chapter in my journey, I felt more chaos than peace. I cried more than I smiled. And I often wondered how I was going to be able to move forward.

And then, the healing that had already started, I finally began to feel!

The top three phrases I hear most often are, “You make it look so easy!” “I don’t know how you do it!” “You have the patience of a saint!”

My dears, it is definitely NOT easy, I have no idea how I do it on some days myself, and my children would not agree with the “patience of a saint” statement at all! Ha!

I have moments when the “Mom guilt” is strong. Moments when lose my temper, forget things (the laundry in the washer hates me the most), lose things, trip over myself walking down the hallway, and have lately been staring at the wall in my bedroom blankly, trying to figure out what I am even doing!

So, let’s talk a minute about when it all goes haywire…

I KNOW I am not alone when I say this year has been an overhaul of the unexpected, unpredictable (and predictable, sadly), unplanned, unprepared, and uncertainty! Times ten!

We, as parents and families, have been through the mill!

And the year keeps on giving…

I have five kiddos. Everyone who follows me knows this. Three of them are each in their own school right now.

My oldest is a freshman in high school.

My second son is in 8^th grade (the junior high in our district).

My third son is in 4^th grade at the elementary school.

All of them are in the same “blended learning” group. Group B. They attend their schools for a half day on Tuesday and Thursday every week.

All other days they are supposed to do online learning with their school-provided-chrome books.

Two of them have IEPs. Their classwork is set up differently than the third. And that one (the one without the IEP) is currently going through puberty… Jesus Help Me!

The twins were invited to join early headstart programming via “home-based-classrooms” and I was already set beyond my limit, so I declined that option for this year.

So where does it go haywire?

Well, it starts when there are medical appointments

Education appointments

Other appointments

Kids falling behind on their schoolwork

Begging not to have to go to school on their half days

Juggling all five of them plus the housework

The car acting up (again)

The fridge falling apart (again)

Mom’s business falling short on sales and losing income to cover the bills

Cabin fever

Sibling fights that go from verbal to physical in .25 seconds

Bedtime battles with the older kids (because the twins go to bed at the same time every night!)

Did I mention that this has become a daily issue? Like, this is not “every once in a while.” NO. This is current, real time, common struggle.

What I am describing is all within the past… few weeks.

And then comes Sunday… when the battle to attend church is in full swing. That battle begins on Saturday evening, typically.

But that is another blog post entirely for another day. And trust me, it’s a good one!

Now, where is the peace?

I’m so glad you asked!!

I want to share what I did when I laid the floor in my bedroom a couple months ago.

I sat on my floor and wrote Bible verses ALL OVER it!

I spent hours on the phone with my mom, going over the verses that fit my situation, me personally and me as a mother, my family, our lives, and the things we have been through. We talked and I wrote, all over the place!

The flooring underneath is covered in verse after verse about peace, joy, love, blessings, calm, grace, mercy, forgiveness, faith, miracles, and so much more!

One of my absolute favorites is Philippians 4:8

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, think on these things.” (NKJV)

Some others I wrote are

“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

“Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

“And He said unto me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’” 2 Corinthians 12:9

“He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.” Isaiah 40:29

These are just a few of MANY verses I wrote all over my floor!

Why am I sharing this? Because this is where my peace comes from!

When it all goes nuts, I go to God! I go to Him in prayer, or in the Bible.

Now, I understand many people get their peace from many places. It can come from angry cleaning the house to your favorite angry music (I do this as well), or going for a walk, run, bike ride, or just getting out of the house for a bit alone. Peace can come from many places!

You all know me. Mine comes from my writing. And I look in many places for inspiration to write and encourage myself and all of you in your journeys as well.

There are days when I cannot find my peace by reading my Bible. Sometimes I’m not near it, sometimes I am not able to sit and read, and sometimes I can’t focus. Those days happen! Sometimes peace is hard to get a hold of.

And, of course, the Bible isn’t the only place I find peace. I find it playing with the twins. Playing my piano. Playing my favorite songs on my phone, or on the radio. Cooking food (chopping vegetables is a great stress reliever!)!

But when it all does go haywire, I have to find that peace! I have to settle my own head so I can settle what is going nuts around me.

My best suggestion to anyone is this:

In your moments when you are at peace, when the world isn’t chaos all around you, grab your notepad and pen and start to make a list. Make a list of the things that give you that smile, the calm feeling, the escape from the chaos. Plaster that thing on your fridge, mirror, anywhere you will see it every day, multiple times!

And when you are at a loss, remember Philippians 4:8! Think about the things that bring your smile, give you peace, fill you with joy and make you want to dance. Even if you cannot find the time to do something to calm you, you CAN think about the positive!

Yes. It is easier said than done. Until it becomes a habit. And a habit it can become!

I did it!

And if this scatterbrained, super busy, always distracted mama can do it, I KNOW you can, too!

Much love!

Becca